I promised this update a while ago and I just couldn’t get the words out.
So here it goes…
We’ve almost been home 7 months! I’d love to tell you that it’s been a constant upward trajectory of wonderfulness (you know…rainbows, unicorns and kittens), but it hasn’t.
Our Joyful Moments
Date nights have resumed. This is a good, good thing. When we feel connected, we are better husband and wife and in turn better parents. When I get time away from the kids, I’m a better mom.
In August, I went to a conference by myself!!! A reminder that life is getting back to a new sort of normal and there is a me outside of being a mom. Did I mention that when I get time away from the kids…I’m a better mom?
Smiles, smiles and more smiles from Lindi…relaxed smiles, not dizzy performer. She even took a long nap at Grandpa and Grandma’s last week. It’s just another indicator that she’s trusting us more and more.
I have to remind myself that she is not a fix-it project. That sounds terrible when I say it out loud, but far to often “fixing” is less uncomfortable. It’s easier to analyze and make a plan than just be with someone.
Lindiwe is a little person that is working through a new culture, a new language, grief, loss and a hurtful past. And it’s hard. There are moments and days that I think…I am in over my head, way over my head.
“God, I don’t think that I’m a good enough parent for this.”
There are moments when her pain cuts deep in my heart. I’m filled with compassion. And then there are moments when the nap time shenanigans just get to me and my patience runs thin. And I know in my heart that the stakes are so high…
Guilt…that I could be doing this better.
Worry…that I am not giving her what she needs.
Fear…that what I’m doing isn’t enough.
I am only human….
…and maybe that is just it. I cannot wave my magic wand and heal her. I don’t know all that she’s been through, the wounds that run deep. I don’t know abandonment.
Jesus heals. He knows each of our wounds. And he himself cried out, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”…he knows abandonment.
“Jesus, remind me that I’m not you.”
I need to trust that this same Jesus washes over all of my short comings. He hasn’t entrusted me with this dear little girl and left me to do it on my own. He’s with me each step, each moment. He chooses in his mysterious plan to use little ol’ me as a vessel of his peace, love and grace.
Language and communication have been a struggle for Lindiwe. She has picked up a few signs and a couple words since coming home. We’ve practiced pointing at body parts over and over and over. It’s been slow going and it’s hard not to get discouraged.
Today we picked up a prescription at Target. The cashier said, “Bye Bye” to Lindiwe and I encouraged her to wave and I said, “Bye Bye”.
We walked away and were down the next aisle. And this happened…
A moment of overwhelming joy…a reminder that the joy is greater after a struggle…a reminder that there is grace in all of this and we’re going to be ok.